Stop Saying “Calm Down”: Try These 5 Phrases Instead
When a child is crying, yelling, or throwing something across the room, many of us say the same thing:
“Calm down.”
I understand why. We say it because we want peace. We want the screaming to stop. We want things to feel normal again.
But here’s the truth I’ve learned after years of working with children and families:
When a child is overwhelmed, their brain is not ready to “calm down.” They need connection first.
Big emotions feel scary inside a small body. Before children can regulate, they need to feel safe.
Here are five phrases that work better — and why they matter.
“I Can See You’re Upset. I’m Here.”
When a child is angry or crying, the first step is not fixing the behavior. It’s seeing the feeling.
When you say,
“I can see you’re upset. I’m here,”
you are telling your child two important things:
I notice your feelings.
You are not alone.
Children calm down faster when they feel seen. Their nervous system relaxes when they know a safe adult is close. Safety is the foundation of self-regulation.
Sometimes, just sitting next to them quietly after saying this is enough.
“It’s Okay to Feel Sad/Angry. Let’s Take a Breath Together.”
Feelings are not the problem. What children do with feelings can be the problem — but the feelings themselves are normal.
When you name the emotion, you teach emotional vocabulary:
“It’s okay to feel angry.”
“It’s okay to feel sad.”
Then you model calm:
“Let’s take a breath together.”
You are doing two things at once:
Teaching that emotions are allowed.
Showing how to handle them safely.
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When you breathe slowly, they often follow.
“Let’s Figure Out What Happened.”
After the storm begins to settle, curiosity works better than blame.
Instead of:
“Why did you do that?”
Try:
“Let’s figure out what happened.”
This feels like teamwork. Not interrogation.
Some children, especially those who struggle with focus or transitions, need step-by-step support to understand what went wrong. You can gently walk through it:
What happened first?
What happened next?
What can we try next time?
Problem-solving builds skills. Shame does not.
“Would You Like a Hug or Some Space?”
Even young children need a sense of control.
When emotions are big, everything can feel overwhelming. Giving a simple choice — hug or space — helps restore a feeling of power in a safe way.
It also teaches boundaries.
Some children calm through touch.
Others calm through quiet space.
By asking, you show respect for their needs in that moment.
“You’re Safe. I’m With You.”
Sometimes children don’t need advice. They don’t need solutions.
They need reassurance.
When fear, frustration, or sadness feels too big, your calm presence is the anchor.
“You’re safe. I’m with you.”
These words tell the brain:
You are not alone.
You are protected.
You will get through this.
And when a child feels safe, their body begins to settle naturally.
A Gentle Reminder for Parents
If saying these words feels hard in the moment, that’s okay. You are human too.
Children borrow our calm. But we can only offer calm when we practice it ourselves.
Next time your child is overwhelmed, remember:
Connection first. Correction later.
Because long before children learn how to control their emotions, they learn how safe they feel with you.
And that safety becomes the voice inside their head one day — the voice that says, “I’m okay. I can handle this.”
