Conscious Parenting: 5 Truths That Changed the Way I Show Up as a Parent
Dr Shefali, clinical psychologist and thought leader in the space of conscious parenting, came to Singapore recently—and I absolutely had to go. And here is why.
Back in 2018, when my first daughter Alaia was born, I was doing what most new mothers do: figuring it all out as I went. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and trying to make sense of this completely new identity I had stepped into. But along with the diapers and sleepless nights came a much deeper question:
What kind of parent do I want to be?
The more I thought about it, the more I realised something uncomfortable. I did not want to become—you guessed it—like my parents.
Curious, is it not? How we grow up, become parents ourselves, and suddenly we are confronted with everything we never questioned before. Suddenly you realise that what you know about parenting is how you were parented by your parents. And you have to ask yourselves, with all the good and bad, is this how you want to raise your children? (I will leave that deeper story for another day.)
A dear friend of mine suggested that I look into conscious parenting. I picked up The Conscious Parent by Dr Shefali—and something in me shifted.
As I read, I felt aligned. Finally, someone was putting words to things I had always felt but never fully understood. My own childhood suddenly made sense—and at the same time, it did not. Because everything this book spoke about was different to how I was raised.
It challenged the idea of top-down, “because I said so” parenting. And it replaced it with something that felt much more aligned with me. Being emotionally present. It sparked something in me—a need to heal, to unlearn, to grow. That book, in many ways, was the reason I went back to university to study psychology.
So when I found out that Dr Shefali was coming to Singapore, I knew I had to be there. And I walked away with lots of insights—but here are five that resonated with me, and I hope they spark something in you too:
1. Your child does not owe you anything
So many of us become parents from a place of longing. We want love. Connection. A family. And that is not wrong, but we have to be honest about it. Our children are not here to make us whole. They are not here to meet our unmet needs or to live out the version of life we once dreamed for ourselves. Read that again. The moment we let go of that invisible pressure we place on them, we set them free—and we free ourselves too.
2. Your role is to guide, not to rescue
It is hard to watch our children struggle. We want to jump in, fix things, smooth everything over. But every time we do that, we are unintentionally saying, “I do not think you can handle this.” Growth does not happen in comfort. We need to let our children sit in their emotions, face challenges, and figure things out—while knowing we are right there beside them. Not to rescue, but to witness.
3. Be aware of the little movie in your head—your expectations
We all have one. That movie of who our children should be, how they should behave, what personality they should have. And often, we do not even realise we are parenting from that script. But that script? It usually comes from our own ego, our own fear, or what society has told us a “good child” looks like. Conscious parenting asks us to question that, and instead of moulding our children, meet them as they are. Unfiltered. Unfixed. Just as they are.
4. Success is not proof that you have done parenting “right”
Success. When we ask parents what they want for their children, the answer most often is “to be happy and successful”. But whose definition of success and happiness are we talking about here? You guessed it, of course, the parent’s definition. We get so caught up in grades, trophies, and accomplishments as if they are badges of honour for us parents, too. But true success is emotional. It is raising a child who knows themselves. Who can feel their feelings, is kind and empathetic, says no when they need to, asks for what they need, and bounces back from challenges. That is the kind of success to aim for. Emotionally successful.
5. Your child is your equal
Not in the sense of knowing how to pay the bills or do the taxes—but in humanity. Our children are not beneath us. They are not mini versions of us. They are their own people. Whole, worthy, wise in their own way. Parenting is not a one-way street. It is a relationship. If we let go of control and choose curiosity instead, they will take us places—emotionally and spiritually—that we never knew existed.
Conscious parenting is not about being perfect.
It is not about never yelling, or always knowing the right thing to say. It is about slowing down enough to become aware of the yelling and knowing that we don’t know everything. It is about questioning the way we were parented. It is about seeing our children—not through the lens of our own wounds, but through the lens of presence and love.
If any part of this resonates with you, let that be the starting point. You do not have to change everything overnight. Just start where you are. Be curious. Be kind to yourself. You are growing too.
Does this resonate with you? Do you feel an aching parenting wound? Book with me a 1-1 session to explore your story and healing journey.
Do you have a story to share? Feel free to drop it in the comment box!